BYU Celebrates “Biggest Win” After Coach Finds Gold-Plated Playbook Buried In Hill Behind His House

In a landmark moment for the BYU Football team, BYU is celebrating their biggest win after Head Coach Kalani Sitake found a gold-plated playbook buried in the hill behind his house. Sitake, awakened in the middle of the night by Ty Detmer, was led to the hill in his backyard with the promise of salvation and Run-Pass Options. ⠀

Many from outside the program have doubted the validity of the victory because Sitake will only let an inner circle of Jim McMahon and Steve Young see the playbook. Both former players and current profits have sworn by the innovation of the playbook, while also noting that there was evidence that football was invented in Utah. With the exciting new Golden Playbook, BYU would start the formation of the Team Of Lateral Saints. ⠀

The Divine documents found in the coaches background has some strict guidelines that would lead to deliverance and a 10-3 record. First, all Cougar players will wear blessed jockstraps during games. Sitake also mentioned that unbeknownst to his predecessors, the Head Coach of the BYU Football team is allowed to marry multiple wives. The most crucial section of the Playbook mentions that all things are possible, even a New Year’s Day Bowl, as long as the team keeps minorities off the team. 

The Golden Playbook led to a marginal increase in victories on the football field. Sitake attributes a major portion of the success to BYUs players denouncing all other false coaches and false Prophet Joseph Smith, and following the Book of Kalani. The Cougars were offered to play in the Sugar Bowl, but were forced to turn down the offer when Starbucks became the new sponsor.