Dan Campbell Reminded By Staff He Doesn’t Need To Mercy-Kill Injured Players

Detroit’s artificial turf is quickly becoming a killing field as the Lions’ staff struggles to convince Dan Campbell, a head coach famous for making gutsy calls, that he doesn’t need to mercy-kill injured players.

 “Every time he sees the injury report, his eyes well up and he reaches for his shotgun,” sighed offensive coordinator John Morton. “I keep telling him soft tissue heals, but he’d rather trade in shots of Toradol for actual gunshots. He thinks once a wide receiver tweaks a hammy, they’re basically ‘Old Yeller.’”

Players say they’re walking on eggshells every time they’re in the Lions facility.

“Once I was taking practice kicks and I sneezed. The next thing I knew, I felt the cold steel of a gun barrel on the back of my head,” said kicker Jake Bates. “Luckily, our special teams coach tackled him before he could ice me.”

Campbell defends his coaching style, saying it’s the right thing for the team and the players.

“I pride myself on making sure it’s done ethically,” Campbell growled. “They’re my players, so I pull the trigger. Honestly, it hurts me more than it does them. For all the fans know, we’re just trading them to a farm upstate.”

Defensive coordinator Kelvin Sheppard has heard that line before. 

“Every time he mentions trading a player to a ‘farm upstate,’ we have to arrange for a police escort. It’s actually gotten so bad that he’s legally banned from coming within 100 feet of the blue tent.” Sheppard’s eyes darted around before adding, “This is why Aaron Glenn left for the Jets. He said he’d rather be with a team where the only thing that dies is the players’ careers.”