Drunk Cubs Fan Declares Wrigley Field Troughs Last Bastion Of Manliness

Speaking from row 14, section 227 on Friday, lifelong Chicago Cubs fan and self-proclaimed Bud Lite connoisseur Doug Wysocki issued a declaration to his fellow Wrigley Field attendees that the elongated, buffet-style whizzing troughs located in the ballpark’s bathrooms were not merely a convenience, but also the last bastion of American masculinity.

“Think about it, everywhere else you go, you got those little pansy-ass dividers,” slurred Wysocki, clapping his terrified-looking eight-year-old daughter, Alice, on the back, “All’s I’m saying is, when the average American man becomes ashamed to produce his beautiful, majestic hog to the rest of the bathroom for all the other guys to envy, that’s when you know the feminists have won.”

Wysocki’s rant, which lasted from the bottom of the fifth inning through the bottom of the ninth and was then continued in the car ride home, contained a litany complaints about the American male’s bathroom pussification, including the fostering of moral weakness by providing double-ply toilet paper, the implied homosexuality of the high-powered hand dryer, and the frightening, much more overt homosexuality of someone ever needing a mirror.

“But still, the trough, that’s the tomahawk streak of urination, right there,” concluded Wysocki. “When you have thirty to forty men all lining up side by side, combining the garden-hose streams from their cocks into a powerful whitewater rapid of beer-smelling piss… let me tell you, it almost makes you want to weep tears of pure fucking freedom.”

After he finished his speech, Wysocki promptly excused himself to go inside of his house and lie down with his wife, with whom he was unable to achieve an erection.