Eagles’ Successes Allowing Philadelphia Man To Only Be Mad At All Other Aspects Of Life

When I was a kid growing up in Philly, I could always count on two things: My life sucked, and so did the Eagles. But for the last couple years I’ve watched in horror as this new “hotshot” coaching staff has changed the team into something I don’t even recognize anymore. Now that the Eagles aren’t fucking garbage, I’ve been abandoned by the team I love.

Even when the Eagles won the Super Bowl they still fucked the team up so bad we had to ship two quarterbacks out of town, fire our head coach and rebuild the team. And me? Hell, I didn’t even know we won the game until I woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed two weeks later after I went on an industrial varnish bender and got punched by a police horse after I “allegedly” tased that narc. We were both fuck ups, but at least we were in it together!

But now that the Eagles have a real shot this year, everyone in this city is acting like they’re better than me. The night guard at the construction site downtown even stopped letting me sneak in to steal the copper wiring, can you believe this goody two-shoes? “Boohoo, I can’t lose my job, I’m saving up for playoff tickets.” Well maybe I’m saving up for the good airplane model glue that I like to sniff so I can forget how the Eagles ratfucked me by drafting well for the last three years, ever think about that? 

Well maybe the Eagles have changed, but I haven’t. So if there’s even a shred of the old team left in there, I hope Mr. Lurie will meet me in the alley behind Pat’s one last time to bet on the Rat King Fights just like we did in the old days.