Formula 1 Driver Experimenting With Secret Second Formula

Breaking with years of tradition, Formula 1 driver Vladimir Drozdov has reportedly abandoned the auto racing league’s signature formula and is experimenting with a secret new formula he believes will give him a leg up on the competition.

Fans and analysts have suspected Drozdov may be developing an alternative to the standard F1 Formula ever since last season’s Monaco Grand Prix when the race had to be called off after his car began to expel a glowing green fluid, which melted the track and inexplicably led to several drivers later being diagnosed with cystic fibrosis. Following the race, Drozdov denied using an experimental formula, instead claiming the incident was caused by a defective ignition coil.

Yet, as the season progressed, Drozdov’s vehicle continued to malfunction in peculiar ways. During the Australian Grand Prix, Drozdov fell out of first place after his car suddenly stopped moving and began to levitate. According to spectators, the vehicle’s radio then started playing a beautiful, haunting song, causing all who heard it to weep uncontrollably.

“We take these allegations very seriously,” said Formula 1 commissioner, Giuseppe De Marco. “The original F1 Formula is designed to promote peak performance as well as the safety of our drivers. If Vladimir believes he can devise a superior formula without triggering untold death and destruction, then he has another thing coming.”

Drozdov was reportedly killed in his laboratory earlier this afternoon when his car came to life and consumed him.