Hear Us Out: Golf, But More Pretentious

If you’re like me, you’ve felt that maybe you don’t fit in at country clubs because they’re a bit too…working class. Golf is the game of kings, not court jesters. That’s why I’m proposing golf, but more pretentious.

There’s nothing worse than showing up for a round at the links and having to make small talk with some yokel in the clubhouse whose entire life costs less than my tees and for some reason pays taxes. Enough of that, I say. Let’s put a wealth floor on tee time signups to keep undesirables where they belong: public tennis courts and Congress.

Also, golf equipment has become so cheap that even mere doctors can afford to play. Let’s do away with wrought iron and titanium and opt for club sets made out of the best Swarovski crystal money can buy. To protect said clubs, they’ll be transported around the course by private lawyer-caddy combos driving Uber Blacks.

If these changes still won’t keep Cornell and Dartmouth grads out, maybe importing fresh sand daily from the Maldives will give them the hint. And while marking your New Yorker cartoon scorecard outside the sparkling water feature, refreshments should be available at Michelin-starred concession carts. If you feel underdressed for a fine dining experience, you shouldn’t. Pretentious golf is an Armani-only affair.

If you’re not sold on the idea yet, maybe this will seal the deal: all golfers names must contain suffixes. With that said, I’ll see YOU in the velvet-roped-off tee box, Sir Cornelius Henry Hearst III.