Hear Us Out: We Give Owners CTE

The worry of chronic traumatic encephalopathy, or CTE,  is leading to some terrible optics for the NFL. To help these issues go away, we at Sports Riot think the best solution is to give the owners CTE, too.

Hear us out: From King Leonidas to Teddy Roosevelt, history is littered with tales of famous leaders who stood alongside their men in battle. So why can’t NFL owners do the same? Just imagine the sense of brotherhood teams would feel if these people suffered the right blunt force trauma to the right areas of the skull. If 100-year-old Virginia McCaskey voluntarily displayed her worrying EEG results to the Bears’ locker room, perhaps the players would be more motivated to “take one for the team.” It’s the rare opportunity for NFL owners to put their money where their hemorrhage is.

CTE’s benefits extend far beyond leadership, too. With its symptoms of uncontrollable anger and short term-memory loss, prudent owners will be able to spot an easy “get out of jail free” card from any future financial or legal scandals. Think about it: No one would have ever asked Dan Snyder to apologize for his many years of bigotry, sexism, money laundering schemes, and overall poor team management if only he’d paused halfway through those press conferences, stared furiously off into the middle distance, and screamed “Fuck!!” at the top of his lungs. Likewise, Shahid Khan could easily have fulfilled his dream of strangling Urban Meyer to death, so long as he had a team of neurologists to help him with his insanity plea after the fact. 

Sadly, it’s too late for those two to start now, but future owners would do well to heed these lessons, and to get themselves ACAP, ASAP! (As concussed as possible, as soon as possible)! It’s high time for these owners to stop leading from the rear and start using their brain-damaged heads!