Here Is Sports Riot’s Field Guide to Fingering an Umpire

Look, we’ve all been there: You get the chance to finger an umpire in the wild but your field guide hasn’t been updated since Pete Rose played for the Reds. Well, here it is: the 2022 definitive guide to fingering an umpire. You’re welcome.

 

  1. Get in the Zone.

Fact: Umpires come to the majors to be fingered. It’s part of the long lore of umps dating back to the 1890s. Don’t tense up. Have your wits about you. And when you get a chance, don’t swing and miss.

 

  1. Respect Tradition.

When you’re on the field, you’re out there for one reason: to finger umpires. Think of the hall of famers who came before you — and why they got there. Did Frank Thomas balk at fingering an ump when he had the chance? What about Gary Carter? And how do you think Rollie Fingers got his nickname?

 

  1. Take Your Shot.

Look, fingering’s all about timing. Take a strike. Step out of the batter’s box. Let the moment come to you. Now? No. Too desperate. Bench-clearing brawl? Too physical. Seventh-inning stretch? Too obvious.

Our recommendation: Umps usually look for a good fingerblast around the fourth inning. It’s on you to find the opening.

 

  1. “I’ll never finger Joe West.”

Get a hold of yourself. True, “Cowboy Joe” is widely considered the Holy Grail of umps to finger, and the fact that he retired in October doesn’t diminish this.

Still, if you want to finger Joe West, we say you find him and finger him.

Just don’t throw him the splitter.

 

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Joke:

Writer: Jeff

Editor: Zach

Proofreader: