In Last Ditch Effort To Avoid War With Russia, Joe Biden Deploys 1980 Olympic Hockey Team

Joe Biden deployed the full roster of the 1980 United States Olympic Hockey Team to eastern Ukraine this past weekend in hopes the ragtag group could pull off another miracle against the Russians.

Biden told the press he decided to take this measure after he caught the end of the 1981 movie classic “Miracle on Ice” while flipping through channels last Friday. “The film reminded me that there’s only one way to deal with the Russkies,” Biden said with conviction. “And that’s to embarrass them on the ice.”

The hockey match, Biden says, will pit the former Olympians against the entire Russian army. “Huge mismatch, you say?” Biden asked, “well, that’s the way we Americans like it. It’ll have all the drama of the original. And, yes, Russia might out-tank us. But can they out-skate us? I remind you history has shown this is the only diplomacy Soviets respond to.”

Reactions to the announcement were mixed. Critics expressed concern over the ability of men well into their sixties to compete against an entire army in their physical prime, while others broke into chants of ‘U-S-A! U-S-A!’ Biden reminded detractors that the original match so completely destroyed the confidence of the USSR that it caused the Berlin wall to fall just a few years later.

Biden then ended the conference by blowing an air horn and shouting, “Do you believe in miracles?!”