IOC Punishes Athlete For Not Using Right Kind Of Drugs

Following the suspension of a top olympic athlete for not using the right kind of drugs, the IOC is now speaking out and defending the decision by citing the many laboratory created, chemical heavy medications that aren’t on their list of ‘wrong kind of drugs.’  

“Our athletes are encouraged to take any opioids prescribed to them by our doctors. We totally support that, but we can’t support the use of these illicit drugs,” IOC President Thomas Bach said, echoing a long held stance by the IOC that athletes must avoid natural remedies and instead only use medicines from giant pharmaceutical companies that are Olympic sponsors. “We made these deals with the pharma companies for the athletes so they’d have access to the best drugs science can make.” 

Bach added that without the support of the IOC many of the athletes would be paying “two, maybe three times the price at the pharmacy. They really should be grateful.”  

When pressed about the possible dangers with these types of over-the-counter medications, Bach told reporters, “We know the risks. That is why we have treatment plans for anyone that develops an issue with our supported medications. But these unregulated drugs that some athletes choose to abuse makes them prone to Pink Floyd listening parties, late-night trips to White Castle, and finding humor in mundane situations–behavior not becoming of an Olympic athlete.”  

Bach later explained that the ideal Olympian checks three main boxes: world-class athletes, uses the correct drugs, and swears an unflinching allegiance to the IOC.