John Elway’s Dentist Retires At Age 31

After graduating from dental school and putting in five years of constant, round-the-clock work on her only patient, Dr. Maria Otsuka, John Elway’s personal dentist, has announced she will be stepping away from her practice at age 31 and entering early retirement.

 

“This has been the most harrowing half-decade of my life, but they have also been the most fulfilling,” said Dr. Otsuka, speaking to reporters from the fourth floor of her $17.3 million Beverly Hills mansion. “While it feels odd to be stepping away, I can rest easy knowing that if I saved either Mr. Elway or the gnawed, wooden staircase banister of his home even one moment of further distress, I will have done something worthwhile with my life.”

 

Dr. Otsuka did make clear it was still vitally important Elway find another dentist as soon as possible.

 

“While I will no longer be able to help Mr. Elway, it’s crucial he finds someone to continue his dental care,” said the doctor, who mentioned that her last 14 cavity fills alone had propelled her from seventh to third on Forbes’ World’s Billionaires list. “Mr. Elway’s routine 36-hour weekly cleaning, including checking the wolf teeth to ensure proper bite placement, absolutely cannot be skipped. Nor can his monthly shearing, which is the only thing preventing his incisors from growing straight through the underside of his jaw and into his jugular vein.”

 

When asked if she had advice for any future dentists tasked with Elway’s care, Dr. Otsuka did caution she had learned the hard way to always use blinders on Elway before anesthetizing him, so as to prevent the aging Broncos executive from becoming spooked and kicking her in the chest.

 

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Joke:

Author: John

Editor: Constantine

Proofreader: Zach