Kirk Cousins Benched For More Experienced Kirk Uncles

In a surprise move, the Minnesota Vikings have announced that they are benching veteran quarterback Kirk Cousins in favor of far-more-veteran quarterback, Kirk Uncles.⠀

“I mean, it makes sense. I grew up watching Kirk Uncles. He taught me everything I know,” said Cousins, adding that Kirk Uncles is expected to start every remaining game of the season except for on Thanksgiving weekend, when Uncles will be benched before he has the chance to say anything racist. “It’s hard to give up my Kirk Starting Role, but the truth is that Kirk Uncles possesses the kind of Kirk Wisdom that I can only hope achieve with age.”⠀

When asked about the first Cousins, twice benched, the balding, 58-year-old Uncles didn’t hesitate to come to his defense. “Kirk Cousins has a lot of heart. A lot of people think he’s the Kirk Black Sheep of the family, but to us, he’s a Kirk Natural. Hell, his Kirk Great Grandfather played for the original 1920 Bears.”⠀

“At the end of the Kirk Day,” said Cousins, “I know I just need to have Kirk Patience.” Cousins then returned to Kirk the ball on Kirk and Ten, where he proceeded to throw his fourth Kirk Interception.