Kyrie Seeks Trade From Mind

Controversial Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving shocked the world this week when he requested a trade from his mind. The move comes on the heels of hundreds, if not thousands, of bizarre social media posts that range from quirky scientific theories to hate speech.

Irving took to Twitter today to clarify his intentions. “After nearly 30 years together, it’s the right career choice for me to move on from my mind and take my body elsewhere,” the point guard wrote. “Yes, we’ve had some fun together. The crazy stuff my mind came up with was entertaining. Flat earth. No moon landing. The existence of Jews. All amusing fantasy. But it’s no secret my mind has been holding me back.”

Brooklyn teammates are reportedly surprised but supportive of Irving’s request. “I like Kyrie but have always hated his personality, feelings, and opinions. This is one of the best decisions he ever made,” said Kevin Durant. “A brainless, thoughtless, emotionless Kyrie will be a million times better than a sentient one. Not just for our team but for the world.”

Where Kyrie’s mind might end up after the trade is still ambiguous. Both the Orlando Magic and Houston Rockets have expressed interest, claiming that Kyrie’s mind will fit right in with the culture of either franchise’s fanbase. Most other NBA teams, however, have offered to buy Kyrie’s mind with plans to put it in an industrial garbage disposal. 

Elon Musk has also bid to house it within the digital sphere of Twitter.

“Whatever happens,” Kyrie wrote, “I hope my mind doesn’t take this personally, and we can reconnect some day on the non-Jew astral plane.”