LeBron James Writhing In Pain After Pregame Handshakes

A particularly firm pregame handshake from Denver’s Nikola Jokic left LeBron James writhing in pain on the floor of the Staples Center last Saturday, causing a five-minute game delay as medical staff rushed to the superstar’s aid.

Witnesses say James shouted “My hand! My hand!” through stifled tears while his personal medical team directed an ambulance straight onto the court. From there, LeBron was placed on a stretcher in front of concerned teammates and media personnel.  

“We felt helpless on the sidelines,” reporter Ramona Shelburne told reporters. “We media people immediately formed a prayer circle and begged the Lord for LeBron’s speedy recovery. Just like we do every other time this happens.”

While spectators joined the pleas for divine intervention, LeBron could be heard begging anyone who would listen to take this new injury into account when evaluating his legacy against Michael Jordan’s. “This is worse than any flu, right? We know MJ could never come back from something like this. Don’t forget the time I had cramps in the Finals, either,” James said while coach Frank Vogel was seen gently stroking LeBron’s head.

Luckily, the medical helicopter that arrived to airlift LeBron to the nearest hospital was called off after the Lakers forward miraculously gathered enough hand-strength to give the crowd a thumbs up.

Though LeBron somehow managed to play the rest of the game, the Lakers’ subsequent loss to the Nuggets was overturned by Commissioner Adam Silver, who announced Denver was automatically disqualified from the series for a disturbing lack of sportsmanship. Silver also credited 80 points to LeBron before postponing the remainder of the season until the four-time MVP fully recovers from the injury.