Man In Bleachers Taking Photos Mainly Of You
We don’t mean to alarm you, and definitely don’t look now, but according to sources close to the field, the inconspicuous man in section 148 (the one you thought was taking pictures of the players) has actually been snapping pictures of you the entire game.
Reports are unclear as to when this started, although we should note that the man was observed setting up six separate high-speed cameras in strategic locations a good two hours before kickoff, meaning he probably had enough stealth training to sneak his way past (or possibly murder) stadium security.
Regardless, this man has not turned his lens away from you this entire time. Though, witnesses saw him briefly pause to scribble something that looks like Russian in a small, lined notebook he keeps in his trench coat.
Yes, our sources indicate the man in the trench coat (the one wearing oversized aviators) is currently singling you out. These sources conflict as to whether he’s wearing anything underneath, but considering he chloroformed that beer vendor when the guy got in his line of sight to you, we sadly doubt he’s your average, run-of-the-mill masturbator.
Remember that “selfie” he took with that player? We are pretty sure he got his camera to focus on you in the far background without even looking through the viewfinder — which is definitely some freaky, pro-level spy shit. Also, the stadium operator is currently telling us that this man slipped him $3,000 in unmarked bills to place you permanently on the Kiss Cam, despite the fact you came to this game alone.
Think back: Do you owe a ton of money? Or piss off someone you think might have had diplomatic immunity? Are you a Russian national with Ukraine sympathies? Just in case, we suggest that you stay away from windows and skip driving to the rest of the home games this year. Or at least, have your least-favorite kid start your car for you.
UPDATE: Okay, the stadium lights just flickered off for a moment, and when they turned back on, the man had disappeared. Sources suggest you’d better take our hand and let’s start running to the nearest well-lit exit. Now.
