Miami Mayor Promises At Least Three More Fish-Themed Sports Franchises By 2029

Miami Mayor Fernando Garcia was re-elected to a second term on Tuesday, defeating Republican challenger Tomás Regalado by a wide margin. Many believe Garcia owes his victory to his campaign promise to bring at least three more fish-themed sports franchises to the city by 2029. 

“For too long, non-fish-themed mascots have roamed these streets unimpeded,” Garcia told a crowd of supporters gathered outside of Marlin’s Park. “No longer! I won’t rest until there’s a fish logo in the home of every man, woman, and child in South Beach!”

Although it’s common knowledge that Miamians worship fish, Garcia still caught many off guard with his “Fish Tax” for the rich proposal, which he claims will bring in enough money to fund three brand-new stadiums. “I have a five-year, three-fish plan to fix this city,” Garcia declared to the clamoring base. “Miami is at a crossroads. It’s time for us to rise up and unite over our shared appreciation for teams with fish somewhere on their equipment!”

Sources say that Garcia has already had offers rejected by both the San Jose Sharks and Tampa Bay Rays (formerly the “Devil Rays”). But, this forward-thinking champion of the people is too smart to put all his eggs in one basket. Garcia is rumored to be in talks with several non-fish-themed franchises who are considering moving to Miami and adopting an aquatic mascot. Such proposals have included, “The LA Fish-Filled Lakers,” “The Seattle Seafish,” and “The Carolina Panthers-Covered-In-A-Bunch-Of-Fish.”

According to the latest projections, Miamians can expect roughly 2-3 years of fish-themed athletic competition before rising ocean levels consume the city in 2032.