MLB Draft Round Up: We Gotta Come Clean, We’ve Never Heard Of Any Of These Kids Either

The MLB draft ended without incident on July 19th, 2022, and we’re getting around to this now. So! Here you go!

The draft culminated in a roster of 616 fresh, young players eager to make their professional debut with… with…

Look, to tell you the truth, this is all just a bunch of random names on pages to us. Do any of you even know who these kids are?

Look, I know we’re just getting around to covering this now, but I promise you we actually tried this year. We even sent our intern, Alexia, out to some D1 games to do some scouting for us, but she called us crying from the side of the road a few minutes later saying that she’d just had this overwhelming urge to swerve into traffic on her way to her third game. To be honest, we can’t even blame her. Nine innings of watching Seton Hall whack ground balls to a stationary Rutgers infield … Oh, the endless joys. Be still, our fluttering goddamn hearts.

Can you honestly tell us you can hear the phrase “compensatory round” without sliding into a permanent coma? Oh, and the “compensatory round” is apparently different from the “competitive balance round?” You don’t fucking say. Add that to your Hinge bio, Casanova, because you clearly just found a new panty dropper.

What we’ll say is, you all sure were completely silent when the draft came and went over eleven months ago. But apparently not covering the rookie class of one of the four major sports is a “fireable” offense in the eyes of my oh-so-wonderful editor-in-chief… so cheers, Daniel: here’s to me literally beating my head against the wall here to keep earning the bare-subsistence salary you drop at my feet every month. I hope Alexia’s life was worth it.

Okay, okay. We can at least go research these soon-to-be-Marlins. Let’s start with the first overall pick. Just give us his name, and we promise we’ll actually do a comprehensive analysis, even if it damn near brings us to tears and destroys whatever remains of our dwindling sanity.

…Jackson Holliday? What the fuck is that? A vacation trip to Mississippi?

Jesus Christ. Just kill us already.