MLB Issues Apology After Barry Bonds Diagnosed With Rare Head-Growing Disease

Fourteen years after his retirement, Major League Baseball has issued an apology to all-time home run leader Barry Bonds after his confirmed diagnosis of an extremely rare head-growing disease. The disease, which doctors call HyperCraniumosis, fully exonerates Bonds from the steroid accusations that have kept him out of Cooperstown and besmirched his good name, work ethic, and respect for the game.

“We cannot apologize enough for the pain we’ve caused the Bonds family by adding speculative gossip and unsubstantiated tabloid rumors on top of his already oversized burden,” MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred wrote in his public apology, adding that Bonds will be inducted into Cooperstown as soon as they find a stud base sturdy enough to withstand the weight of his oversized bust.

In 2001, when Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s single season home run record with 73 four-baggers, not a single soul publicly commended the achievement despite his chronic HyperCraniumosis being obvious to anyone with eyes. Instead, opposing fans booed a suffering, chronically ill man.

“It was a crazy time. A lot of guys were juicing. We figured he was one of them. We’d never seen such a big head before, and I think we shunned him out of fear,” said Ken Griffey Jr.

The league has reportedly lifted the maximum 12.5 hat size rule enacted by Bud Selig in 2008, stating it is “insensitive, shameful, and cruel.” Doctors from across the country are heralding Bonds’ heroism and courage to break records with such a big, big head, hinting he could have hit 100+ home runs if he weren’t so tired from always getting his big head stuck in door frames.

Although they are uncertain of its cause, researchers’ working theory is that HyperCraniumosis is caused by excessive intravenous steroid use.