Mookie Betts And Three Other MLB Player Names That Make Me Feel A Little Racist When I Say Them Out Loud

Jimmy LaRue here! And, I’ve got to get somethin’ off my chest.

Gone are the days I could list a bunch of ballplayers without having to worry about offending certain minority groups. It seems like just yesterday I was saying things like, “Boy, I wish my team had Albert Pujols,” or, “Sandy Koufax — he’s quite a Jew!”

But nowadays I have to be careful about which players I say out loud and which I keep to my private, prejudiced thoughts. Here are four I should probably whisper after looking both ways.

MOOKIE BETTS
Sure, in ’86 I was saying “Mookie Wilson” every other sentence. But this is 2024: Am I allowed to say Mookie anymore? What if I watched Do the Right Thing? …While voting for Barack Obama? I feel okay reading the word Mookie online, and I can listen to an announcer say it. But I should probably stop invoking his name unless it’s in a rap lyric.

SHOHEI OHTANI
I love sushi as much as anyone. But sometimes I struggle to say the ingredients without feeling like I just ruined an ancient Samurai tradition. That’s how it is with Shohei Ohtani, whose name is impossible to say without feeling like I just bombed Hiroshima.

BIG PAPI
Yes, in Boston 2005 I said “Big Papi” with impunity. He was the one Black-Hispanic guy the town could really get behind and, from 2003–2016, could quench the fire of Bostonians’ racist hearts. But looking back on his career and glorious 541 home runs, is it possible we were racist the whole time? I mean, did the guy even have a name or was it just “Big Papi”?

WHITEY FORD
This ten-time All Star and six-time World Series champ isn’t exactly solving race relations. Every time I say, “Whitey Ford,” I’m reminded of sharecropping, the War on Drugs, and our current prison epidemic. Ford did pave the way, however, for his upstart successor, Reds third baseman Honkey Whiteness.

HONORABLE MENTION: GAYLORD PERRY
I know I should feel homophobic every time I say Perry’s full name, especially in a progressive metropolitan area. But my neighbor, John Rocker, said it was okay.