NFL Proudly Debuts First-Ever Female Football

Speaking before reporters on Thursday, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell excitedly announced that the league was about to debut its first-ever female football, in what he hoped would be a move that fostered goodwill and bolstered viewing numbers in a demographic that had long been lagging behind the men.

“This is a proud day for all of us: the players, the fans, and most importantly, this amazing ball here,” said Goodell, pointing to the new Wilson 2023 official game day ball that staff have affectionately nicknamed “The Duchess.” “And believe me when I say, I’ve seen this lady ball in action, and she can be thrown, caught, kicked and fumbled just as well as any male ball out there.”

According to sources, the ball was originally set to debut in the 2022 NFL season, but the office thought it would be best to wait for longtime quarterback Ben Roethlisberger to retire before introducing a female ball into the league in order to assure a smooth transition. 

On top of its duties as a ball, the ball will also be asked to lead NFL staff and management in occasional inclusivity seminars, and is already scheduled to write a column in next month’s Player’s Gazette about what adding more female sports equipment could mean for the longevity of the league.

In terms of real-world effects, Goodell was pleased to announce incident reports from team practices with the female football had been largely unremarkable, although sources watching the Dolphins did note Tyreek Hill was now spiking the ball much harder than usual. 

The idea of a female ball, however, is certainly not without its critics. Mike Ditka has complained that the move is a sign the NFL is turning soft, while Jerry Jones surprisingly championed the idea, noting, “as the old saying goes, behind every great male quarterback is a female football.”