Children’s Hospital Patient Fakes Death To Avoid Russell Wilson Visit

A children’s hospital outside Denver experienced a rash of false self-reported deaths moments before Broncos’ quarterback Russell Wilson was scheduled to visit this past weekend. 

Doctors at Rocky Mountain Children’s Hospital in Boulder say they were alarmed and puzzled as nearly an entire floor of patients flatlined in quick succession moments after a nurse announced the athlete’s presence in the ward on Saturday.

“I’ve never seen anything like this in my 20 years of medicine,” Dr. Donald Lynch told reporters of the event. “We were panicking. As soon a child could hear Mr. Wilson’s voice in the hall, somehow their heart monitor became unplugged.”

The phenomenon quickly spread to other areas of the hospital. Nurses reported that multiple patients suddenly began complaining of death, while one child mustered up the strength to leave a note that read, “I’m dead from Lukimya, sorry.” 

Though most children were able to avoid a visit with the quarterback by holding their breath and staying as perfectly still as they could, not all patients were so lucky. 

Charles Santos, who had been napping when staff announced Wilson’s arrival, was surprised when the Bronco entered his room, bible in hand and ready for a five-hour prayer session. That’s when Santos reportedly pleaded with staff to unhook his life-sustaining oxygen, crying “haven’t I suffered enough?!”

Wilson seemed unphased by the chaos, noting his visit must have had a curative effect on the kids. “They all got better after my time there. It’s a miracle! I doubt Patrick Mahomes could bring back 150 children from the brink of death.”