NFL Season Headed For Disaster After All Teams Go 8-8-1

The NFL regular season came to a stunning conclusion today as all 32 franchises finished with exactly eight wins and eight losses, including identical head-to-head, divisional, and conference records.

“There is no tie-breaking procedure in place for this scenario,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “We’re exploring a variety of options such as a singing competition, a hopscotch tournament or even simply differentiating teams based on their color scheme.”

Despite initial optimism that the league would reorder the standings based on strength of schedule, net points, or points allowed, league officials quickly discovered that every team tied in every relevant category.

“Then we flipped a coin,” Goodell said. “However, no matter how many times we tried, the coin continued to land on its side every time.”

While Goodell shot down the popular idea of determining the playoffs based on alphabetical order, the NFL’s greatest minds have come together to formulate an alternative solution.

“The only fair and impartial solution is for all 32 teams to face off in a single battle royale-style football game, with playoff seeding being dependent on the results,” said LA Rams head coach, Sean McVay. “Maybe the last team standing could win the Super Bowl?”

UPDATE: After the free-for-all showdown concluded in a 32-way tie, the NFL has decided to award the Lombardi Trophy to the New England Patriots.