Nuggets List Ranch, BBQ, And Honey Mustard As Game Time Decisions

After a downpour of playoff near-misses, Denver’s front office spent the past offseason building a mouthwatering super team for the Nuggets. But now that head coach David Adelman has a buffet of flavors at his disposal, he’s developed a more conservative outlook on his stars, and has reportedly listed ranch, BBQ, and honey mustard all as game time decisions.

“Blue cheese is out for the season with a torn ACL, Thousand Island is facing disciplinary action, and Chick-fil-A sauce refuses to suit up on Sundays,” worried Adelman, licking his lips. “We need a creamy bully on the floor who can crash the boards and dunk. As delicious as it sounds, you can’t run an offense strictly through ketchup.”

Inside the NBA analyst Charles Barkley has been keeping careful tabs on the Nuggets. “This squad has crisp fundamentals and knows how to dish,” said Barkley. “It’s like I’m watching Bird out there. They could win it all if this coaching staff finds the right lineup for their ten-piece rotation.”

But not everyone agrees with Adelman’s coddling of his condiments: “I don’t want us to become a weak, boneless franchise that can’t get the job done without a secret sauce,” said the Nuggets’ three-time MVP Nikola Jokic. “Playing soft just isn’t going to cut the mustard. In Serbia, we set our pick-and-rolls with a dry rub. Save the tzatziki for Giannis and the French onion for Wemby. All I need is some salt and pepper and a little spit.”

Adelman knows all eyes are on his Nuggets, and he welcomes the challenge. “Grill us all you want, we know what we’re made of,” the coach said as he put on his bib. “We have our sights set on a ring. And no, I’m not talking about onions—though we do have a great garlic aioli on the bench just in case.”