Olympic Gymnasts Worried They Wasted Their Childhoods For Nothing

After the postponement of the Tokyo Olympics, many young athletes hoping to qualify for their first games are reportedly concerned that they may have spent their entire childhoods training for absolutely no reason at all.

“I cancelled so many birthday parties, so many sleepovers, and for what? To sit in my house and watch Tiger King on repeat?” said Canadian sprinter Sarah Connell, lamenting the fact that all she has to show for her sacrifices is an incredibly capable body and a handful of world championships. 

“I did this all for the slim chance of winning a medal. But even if I had won gold, what’s the point?” said South Korean gymnast Bae Eun-mi. “Will the medal finally make me happy? Or am I just lying to myself?”

Most athletes aren’t merely upset about missing out on the experience of being a kid, but also the new relationships they would have fostered during the games. 

“Instead of dating in high school we athletes worked extremely hard in the hopes that one day we might be invited to the massive international orgy that is the Olympics,” said Portuguese wrestler Pablo Pereira. “And now that dream has been stolen from us.”

In related news, the Russian government is reportedly seeking a buyer for several tons of doped-up blood and anabolic steroids.