Opinion: If Football Players From The ’60s Are So Tough, Then How Come I Was Just Able To Beat Up Dick Butkus?

Since the day I started watching football, all my dad could ever talk about was how “tough,” “manly,” and “smelly” all of the players he watched in the ‘60s were. He would mock my heroes, like Aaron Donald and Khalil Mack, and tell me they couldn’t hold Dick Butkus’ jock strap. I needed to prove the old man wrong, so I drove to a Florida retirement home, and to my shock, I found out that Dick Butkus isn’t nearly as tough as Dad said he was. 

When I walked into his bedroom, I was surprised to see he wasn’t working out or shadow boxing. Dad made it seem like he was always ready to scrap. He always told me stories about this supposedly hard-hitting former Bears linebacker who everyone feared. But this guy in front of me barely even got out of his seat. Did he not take me seriously? After I pushed him out of his rocking chair, he knew I meant business. 

As he grabbed his walker to get up, the coward tried to use it as a weapon. I easily dodged the strike and could see the “legend” was already winded and complained about a bad back. As I balled my hand into a fist, I by now knew the truth: My dad is full of shit. This was confirmed after I took Butkus out with a single right hook.

Now, as someone who picks plenty of fights with athletes and celebrities, I can easily say current NFL players are MUCH tougher. Just a month ago, I broke into JJ Watt’s house, and let me tell you, it took me a week to recover from the ass kicking he gave me. It is pretty safe to say my dad is a confirmed liar. 

In fact, Butkus’ grandkid was so much tougher than Butkus! He threw me out of the nursing home like it was nothing. Next, I’m off to find Jim Brown at his hospice care center and see how hard he is to tackle.