Owner’s Dying Wish Is To See Team Make Him A Crap-Ton Of Money One Last Time

Speaking privately to his dearest business associates and employees in his Willis Tower penthouse this Thursday, ailing Chicago Bull’s majority owner, Jerry Reinsdorf, expressed a deep felt desire to see his team make him one last crap-ton of money before he passes on.

Reinsdorf, who purchased the Bulls in 1985 for a modest buttload of cash, has struggled to maintain the team’s status as a penny-pinching powerhouse, culminating in the Golden State Warriors overtaking the Bulls as the NBA’s third most unbelievably gosh darn filthy rich franchise.

“Jerry spent his whole life advocating for the rights of rich white men to have money,” said Chicago Bulls legend Scottie Pippen. “If I felt sick, he’d give me a crap-ton of money too with at least 10% interest. That’s the kind of man he is. He only cares about raking in an incomprehensibly high amount of cash.”

Sources confirmed early Friday morning that the Bulls had already gotten to work on increasing revenue by raising concession prices, axing the scouting department, and charging the military to recognize veterans in attendance at home games.