Retraction: Our Protein-Packed Bat Smoothie Will NOT Boost Your Immune System

It has long since been documented that colloidal silver, herbal supplements, essential oils, and protein found in Louisville Slugger bats pack enough immune system boosting power to combat COVID-19. However, recent “scientific data” provided by the FDA has forced us to retract our claim that protein-packed bat smoothies will boost your immune system and defeat the Coronavirus plague. 

As we all know, it’s widely acknowledged by the scientific and medical community that ionic baseball bat proteins cure viruses. It’s essentially a home run against the virus. All athletes are aware of this incredible cure-all. “I take my protein bat smoothie everyday. It wards off the coronavirus, concussions, depression, and helps cure eczema,” said Seattle Seahawks defensive lineman Charles O’Haley. We guess we’re left to believe the FDA is calling Mr. O’Haley a liar, a protein-packing liar.

“It’s just a shame really. I’m sure [Rudy] Gobert just didn’t take his bat smoothie that morning,” mentioned Utah Jazz Assistant Coach Trevor Yasivick, “the protein-packed immune system boosting elixir is much more prevalent in the MLB currently, but the NBA is not far behind making it mandatory use of the awesome power of bat-packed-protein.”  We suppose the MLB and NBA are liars too, FDA?

Local sports radio personality Tim Jessert takes the FDA to task by explaining the science behind this miracle smoothie, “I read a few comments on the internet which reach the same conclusion: They ionize the baseball bats, extracting only the good protein from the bat, and that’s the coronavirus killer.”

The FDA has claimed that no such evidence exists and legally they’ve forced us to retract what we all know is true: protein-packed Louisville Slugger ionized bats are the answer. 

While there may be no evidence to support our claim for the immune system boosting bat protein-shake, let us ask you this FDA–is there any non-evidence? We think you’ll find that there isn’t.