San Francisco 49ers Become First Team With All-Electric Players

When 49ers coach Kyle Shanahan said that San Francisco would employ the NFL’s first all-electric, carbon-neutral team, most everyone laughed at the lofty goal. But last Thursday, Shanahan got the last laugh as he announced the 49ers are poised to start next season with such a team — one so efficient it only needs to be plugged in once a week. 

Shanahan boasted his “little robot boys,” who only killed three out of 1,000 referees in trials earlier this year, were running 1.7-second 40-yard dashes. He added that these players can’t be sidelined with concussions or incur brain injuries that would cause them to become murderous in the future — “at least not as a result of CTE,” Shanahan clarified. However, he was quick to point out that they were still getting familiar with “the concept of football.” 

Upon hearing the announcement, Google-owned self-driving company Waymo has entered a bid to acquire the team in hopes to develop a rickshaw service, while Elon Musk has flirted openly on Twitter with buying the team to dismantle their “liberal San Francuck” programing and move them to Texas — though he did appreciate that the robots were not equipped with a kneeling function.

Other NFL teams have scrambled to match the competitive edge of the new 49ers team with their own technology. The Seattle Seahawks have already vowed to debut the first human-robot “hybrid” players in 2023, while Jerry Jones has promised to create an all-coal powered team that will roll dirty coal throughout each game.

Asked his opinion on the news, Goodell said that it “was a dream come true for players to be legal property of the NFL.”