SR Investigates: Why Didn’t The Tennessee Titans Play Last Week And What The Fuck Is The NFL Hiding?

Remember the Titans? Because last week the NFL sure DIDN’T.

We at Sports Riot HQ in Roswell, N.M., were sitting around last Sunday, counting the NFL teams, when we realized there was one missing. The Titans were – gone. What was the NFL hiding?

We tuned into ESPN, Fox, NFL Network. Nobody was asking the hard questions. We called Steve McNair. It went straight to voicemail.

That’s when we took to the streets to rustle up some hot tips.

After a lot of doors were slammed in our face, we flew to Tennessee and met somebody in the parking lot of Graceland. He said he was Jeff Fisher.

Another dead end.

But he did give us this tip: “Tennessee” isn’t a city. If this was the case, where were we? A local five-year-old said the Titans are in Nashville. We were in Memphis. We were getting closer and the case was getting hotter.

In Nashville, we knocked on a door. A woman opened it partway. “Does Sunday, October sixth, mean anything to you?” “Come in,” she said.

Team owner, Amy Adams Strunk, who answered the door and took us to her basement where she’d been evidence-boarding the same problem. TITANS, EAGLES, LIONS. She said none of them had played last Sunday. “And two of them are mythical creatures.”

“Lions are real,” we said.

“Well,” said Strunk. “There goes my whole theory.”

She poured us a cocktail and mentioned a fourth team that hadn’t played. She showed us her surveillance videos. Most of her players hadn’t even left the house on Sunday. Fifteen gunsmoke-and-lipstick-filled minutes later we were back to square one.

What about this “fourth team”? Where were the Titans?

“What aren’t you telling us?”

“Forget it, Sports Riot,” she said. “It’s Titan Town.”