Struggling WNBA Considers Lowering Rims And Replacing All Players With Men

The WNBA Board of Governors announced at their annual meeting today several rule changes under consideration to improve the bland on-court product, including whether to lower the rims and immediately replace all players with men.

“Market research indicates the WNBA could improve its product if only men played the games,” said WNBA commissioner Lisa Borders, adding that she understands how much cooler it would be to watch men play on lower rims. “Women are naturally slow and have difficulty jumping more than a half-foot off the ground, so replacing them with superior athletes could dramatically drive fan engagement.”

“Fans want high-flying action that our women simply can’t execute due to physiological impediments. The pick-and-rolls and give-and-go’s aren’t as cool and exciting to the fans as alley-oops and embarrassing opponents with ankle-breaking crossovers,” said Borders.

The WNBA tried to disguise their inferior athletes as men in 2017, but the predictability of weaker players opting for a finger-roll on a fast-break instead of attempting to destroy the backboard with a death-defying slam dunk ultimately scrapped the concept.

While league officials are concerned about paying male athletes an average of 34% more, which would likely result in charging more money for tickets, the revenue would help female athletes transition into critical support roles, such as clubhouse attendant, cheerleader, and janitor.