This Week’s Non-Athletic-Regular-Human Power Rankings

Last week’s rankings struck up heated debates at water coolers across the nation. We received many letters–here’s this week’s Non-Athletic-Regular-Human Power Rankings.

5. Chase Watford, 31, Accountant – Milwaukee, WI: LW Ranking: NR

The Midwestern Sweetheart is an unexpected addition to the list after he paid it forward in a Starbucks drive-thru during a Monday-morning rush. “Chase’s performance in the drive-thru shows tremendous, possibly MVP type growth,” said best friend Adam Morgan.

4. Ken Thomas, 61, Auto-Mechanic – New Orleans, LA: LW Ranking: 2

Thomas failed to live up to his productivity from last week where he saved a man’s life. He still managed to hold the door open for an elder with a DAFD (Distance Away from Door) of 17-feet, the highest in the nation for the entire month of November. We’ll see next week if Thomas holds on to a Top 5 spot as his stock continues to drop.

3. Kristin Burke, 19, College Student – Columbus, OH: LW Ranking: NR

Kristin surprised everyone at the Ohio State University campus when she took her time to create an Instagram post wishing her 82-year-old grandmother a happy birthday. Scouts agree that Burke’s physique certainly passes the eye-test, and she put that on that on full display in the post, dawning a swimsuit and writing, “This is my grammy’s favorite beach. Happy Birthday grammy. #Luvurself”

2. Shelly Longshire, 41, Secretary – Boca Raton, FL: LW Ranking: 1

The reign at the top was not a long one for Longshire. As is often the case, maintaining the No. 1 spot has proven difficult, but Shelly’s drop was not for lack of effort and hustle. On Wednesday, she called an audible and replaced the much-maligned Candy Corn with Butterscotch inside the candy jar on her desk. She then showed the office a cute picture of her dog, but finished with an unbelievable Friday by gutting out an open ear and shoulder for her co-worker, Austin Douglas, to groan on about his crumbling marriage.

1. Ethan Bradley, 11, Kid – San Diego, CA: LW Ranking: 5 

Youth is not holding Bradley back. Despite his inexperience, the 5th grader continues to score high-marks in our rankings for being cool as heck and a really good drawer.