Coach Likes to Think of Himself as Abusive Father to Players

Behind every great athlete is a great coach and an even greater human. For a local little league football program, that man is none other than Jack Hanson, whose gift for psychologically traumatizing young men has led to countless championships, unbreakable bonds, and mandatory minimums. 

“Coach Hanson’s extraordinary ability to make players yearn for his approval is what drives us to excellence,” said school athletic director, Tyler Lang. “We keep winning games because of our unpredictable defense, which is inspired by Coach Hanson’s unpredictable behavior toward our players.”

Whether Hanson is praising players for their athletic abilities or simply withdrawing emotionally whenever they share deeply personal feelings, he always finds a way to keep his team motivated.

The anxiety Hanson has instilled into his players appears to be paying off. Former players nervously agree that fear of Hanson’s unbridled anger and passive-aggressive comments brings his victims closer together. 

“When Coach Hanson told us that showing emotion is a sign of weakness, I knew he was really trying to teach us about perseverance,” said former wide receiver Darron Johnson, who’s now serving a 10-year prison sentence for employing Hanson’s methods on his own son. “Coach Hanson changed my life.”