TCU Rules ‘Man-To-Man’ Defense An Affront To God

In a surprise ruling, this Tuesday TCU athletic director Jeremiah Donati has decreed that all forms of man-to-man defense are an abomination in the eyes of God.

“When God revealed unto Dr. Naismith the rules of basketball, he never intended for man to play one-on-one defense on another man,” said Donati, an ordained priest of the Church of Ball. “Only those who play zone remain pure in the eyes of the lord.”

While the NBA has largely transitioned to man-to-man defensive schemes in recent years, many traditionalists such as Donati believe that is sacrilegious.

“The stars of the game have strayed from the light. It is only a matter of time before they pay for their sins with broken ankles and humiliating posters,” said Donati, before adding that John Wooden would roll over in his grave if he knew what was happening to the sport.

Others, such as TCU basketball head coach, Jamie Dixon, disagree with Donati’s view of the game.

“We have to do away with these cold, outdated takes,” said Dixon of the ruling. “Some players are naturally inclined to play man-to-man defense. It’s not their fault they were born with quick feet and superior spatial awareness.”

In a similar ruling, Baylor athletic director Mack Rhoades decreed shooting too many three-pointers to be “really flipping annoying” in the eyes of God.