Top 3 Most Preventable Ping Pong Homicides

From its birthplace in the crime-ridden back alleys of Jack the Ripper’s London to the current referee-decapitation scandal, ping pong has always had a murderous underbelly. Here are three homicides ping pong should have avoided:

 

  1. USA vs. USSR, Lake Placid, 1980: The Backhand Jugular Slice Heard Round The World

While the Olympics’ “Miracle on Ice” garnered most of the media’s attention, a lesser-known upset was occurring a little over a mile away during the Ping-Pong World Championships at the Lake Placid YMCA. Team USA’s Michael “The Golden Virgin” Wilhoit single-handedly routed the Soviet team — and their championship dreams — with a well-placed tomahawk toss of the paddle that severed Soviet superstar Aleksandr Ustinov’s head from his body.

 

  1. U.N. Secretary-General Found Folded Up Inside The Table

Given his outspoken views on “the Perils of Pong,” no one was surprised when U.N. Secretary-General Dag Hammarskjöld was found bent backwards inside the fold up ping pong table in Northern Rhodesia. But considering he had already survived 14 sniper attacks on him from 20 different angles while overseeing the transfer of balls to the newly independent Congolese Table Tennis Association, and another attempt where it’s alleged the CIA themselves replaced the pong balls with an adorable, tiny bomb… but, no security?!!

 

  1. North Korea Vs. South Korea, 1950: Net Replaced With Angry Hornets

To date, neither team has taken credit for deploying the old bait-and-switch of swapping out the 15.25 cm, regulation-size net for a throbbing mass of over 2,000 live hornets. Coming off the heels of the famous “Paddle Comprised of Yellowjackets” between the US and Japan on December 7, 1941, though, the fact that a lack of anti-stinging-insect protective gear ultimately led to countless further homicides as part of a 3-years’ international war is simply inexcusable.

 

Honorable Mention: The Zodiac Killings

Although the San Francisco Police are certain the culprit is someone in the professional ping-pong community, they never had enough evidence to go to trial, meaning the infamous Zodiac Killer could be playing right now in a gymnasium near you.