Top 5 Playground Fights That Got Me Arrested For Filming Them From Across The Street

Kids these days are ruthless. Recess is a warzone, now. And, me? I see the truth. Am I unemployed? Yes. Single? Also, very much yes. But this footage? It’s legendary. You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a 2nd grader beat the shit out of another 2nd grader. So, I know you want it and I know you need it: Here are the Top 5 playground fights that are so hardcore I got arrested for filming from across the street.

  1. Johnson Vs. Stevenson

No better place to start than my first upload, the fight that started it all. The rivalry started easily enough. Johnson stole Stevenson’s juice, and I yelled ‘Puuuuuuuuusssssyyyyy’ while my camera was rolling. The fight. Was. On! These two six year olds went blow for blow for 7 glorious seconds before the school resource officer stopped smoking cigarettes and not paying attention to call for backup.

  1. Holmes vs. Gonzales

Ah yes, the famous “Rumble in the Jungle Gym.” This fight is notable because it’s the first time I was ever kicked out of an entire county. I guess some counties can’t handle me filming and starting a 4th grade Fight Club.

  1. Perez Vs. Starks

In the fight game, they usually say size matters, and in most of the 3rd grade fights I’ve seen (at least two hundred at this point), they’re usually right. But here, Starks was able to stick and move and takedown a larger opponent. Mainly because he had a knife. My footage was used in an underage murder case!

  1. Creed vs. Andrews

The “Thrilla in Monkey Barr.” Wait, how is this illegal officer!? I’m 512 feet away, I counted!

  1. Me Vs. Mrs. Henderson’s 5th Grade Class

Did I set up my video camera across the street and then challenge twenty-two 10 year olds to a fight to the death? I sure did. Thank God for the police intervention because I was not ready for those savage lunatics. I escaped with a five year prison sentence and my life. Kids these days, they’re animals.

 

Tune in next week for my Top 5 Gambling Debts That Will Result In Mob Intervention!