“Tush Push” And 5 Other NFL Plays That Describe Your Pathetic Sex Life

Football, like sex, is a lot more fun when you can actually convert and make it into the end zone. And while the Tush Push might have a 92% success rate when a hulking adonis like Jalen Hurts does it, you’re more likely to suffer a humiliating loss. Here’s five other NFL plays that describe your pathetic sex life—comment which play describes yours.

STRIP SACK FUMBLE
You’ve finally managed to convince another human being to strip down, and by some stroke of luck you’ve got them in the sack. But here you are fumbling with your junk, hoping a nearby person is willing to grab it and take it to the house. Pathetic.

FLEA FLICKER
Isn’t that what your high school sweetheart called all those sad little over-the-pants hand jobs they used to give you?

PHILLY SPECIAL
Imagine you meet the person of your dreams, and out of everyone available they want to be with you. You quickly fall in love, their friends and family all adore you, and things are going so well you see a ring in your future. Then one week while you’re out another person comes along, steals your ring and cucks you so badly they erect a statue of them outside of your house. Also you’re a ginger, so it’s tough out there on the rebound.

HAIL MARY
Hey, we’re not going to judge anyone for their faith. But when you’re at the bar each weekend throwing it out there for every last call straggler at 2AM hoping for a miracle, it just comes off a little desperate, you know?

SPIDER 2 Y BANANA
Spider 2 Y Banana is Jon Gruden’s favorite play, and where did it land him? Much like you, he’s on the couch every weekend, fumbling with his controller alone instead of playing in the big game.

Join us next week when we cover five audibles you should make in the bedroom to make your partner scream ‘Omaha’ so loud everyone can hear it in the upper deck.

~DISHONORABLE MENTION~
QUARTERBACK SNEAK
We’re calling the cops, Deshaun.