U.S. Olympic Team Unveils Throwback British Uniforms

Speaking in front of a brightly lit display case on Thursday, United States Olympic & Paralympic Committee head Susanne Lyons announced a bold new look in the U.S. team’s uniforms, borrowing heavily from the tri-cornered hat and red coats worn by the late-18^th century British Army. 

“The United States has its own history, but we felt it was time to go back and remind ourselves where it all began, which was as illegally taxed subjects of the British Monarchy,” said Lyons after ringing a large, oversized bell to draw the attention of reporters to her announcement. “The fact that the United States is now unquestionably superior both economically and militarily is, I assure you, entirely coincidental. This is purely about honoring the past, not rubbing people’s noses in trivial details regarding whose nation defeated whose, leading to the eventual catastrophic collapse of whose empire.”

The response to the U.S. team’s provocative retro look has been mixed, however, with many British citizens complaining that the uniforms unfairly appropriated their history. “The red coat—that’s ours, [isn’t] it?” argued local London tavern owner Tom Davies. “Whoever designed it ought to be ashamed. You can’t just take something of iconic cultural significance from a country you used to be part of, and then go off and claim that it’s yours.”

As the hype surrounding the present day uniforms continues to build, experts are already speculating on what’s in store for the upcoming Winter Olympics, with many believing the U.S. will show up signs and cheer on the eventual value of the British pound plummet.