United States Chosen As NFL Bubble Country

Although impressed by the NBA’s “cute” Bubble in Orlando, the NFL has announced that it has chosen somewhere a little bigger and slightly more populous for its own isolation zone, selecting the entire United States of America as its first-ever Bubble Country.

“Look, Disney World is a great place to take your family, have an NBA season, or eat a churro, but this is football we’re talking about,” said NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, while puffing on a cigar from inside his new NFL Oval Office, “Our players need lots of room to play, and our fans needs lots of room to park and buy things. Only all of America can offer that to us. Plus, we’ll still  have lots of space leftover just in case our new normal requires us to build a stadium or 32 every six months.”

While the NBA, in addition to heightened security and education, created a 100+ page rule book to protect players and staff inside its Bubble from COVID-19, the NFL says it will forgo such an exercise, and opt instead to show all US residents a series of 5-second long Jumbotron animations on the importance of proper safety protocols, led by newly minted Bubble Country mascot, Spiral – The Self-Sanitizing Football.

“Isn’t he cute?!” asked a half-submerged-in-Purell Goodell, squeezing a stuffed Spiral plush close to his chest, “He’s practical, too! If you cough on him and a picture of Rudy Gobert shows up, it means you have Coronavirus, and are now eligible to enjoy one of Bubble Country’s many esteemed hospitals for the low add-on cost of $35,000/night.”

Should Bubble Country prove to be the success he imagines, Goodell says he plans to take the excess profit and repurpose it towards buying the entire continent of Europe, where he remains hellbent on making football take, once and for all.