We Apologize In Advance: Here Is What Brownie The Elf Thinks Of DeShaun Watson Accusations
CONTENT WARNING: This article contains an unreserved defense of inexcusable acts of sexual misconduct, as well as pejorative terms for several races, many of which we frankly had never heard before. Some words have been omitted due to their unfitness for publication in polite society. SPORTS RIOT DOES NOT CONDONE THE OPINIONS EXPRESSED.
Sports Riot interviewed Cleveland Browns mascot Brownie the Elf this week, as the 76-year-old character barged into our offices and demanded to speak to “whichever [REDACTED-SLUR FOR JEWISH PERSON] is in charge” to give his opinion on the sexual misconduct allegations levied against Deshaun Watson.
“All I’m saying is, in the Fifties, they let men be men,” began the historical sports figure, who — and we can’t stress this enough — refused to leave until he had personally witnessed us upload his rant onto our website. “I’ve heard that [REDACTED] quarterback is a [REDACTED-SLUR FOR WELL-ENDOWED PERSON OF ROMANI DESCENT] in the sheets, so I don’t even know what these silly broads are squawking about.”
The mascot, who is from a very different time in American history and who we again stress made us publish this, then launched into a ten-minute diatribe about “the Zionists behind the NFL’s targeting penalties,” which is much too offensive to publish here.
However, Brownie soon returned to defending Watson.
“That young [REDACTED-ANTIQUATED SLUR FOR JAZZ MUSICIANS] isn’t doing anything different from what I got up to with Otto Graham back in the good old days,” yelled the mascot. “We ran a goddamned [REDACTED-NONPROCREATIONAL SEXUAL ACT] train on all sorts of [REDACTED-SLUR FOR FEMALE AUSTRALIAN CONVICTS], and believe me, you [REDACTED-SLUR FOR IRISH RAILWAY WORKERS] alkie journalist fucks. They were thanking us for it.”
Before he left, Brownie did admit the NFL had problems, especially regarding the allegations made against former quarterback Ben Roethlisberger:
“I’m not a monster; that man belongs in prison,” said the elf. “And by the way, don’t think I don’t see how the League favored him over our boy. That [REDACTED-SLUR FOR 13th CENTURY MALAYSIAN HOMOSEXUALS] Steeler gets all the fucking calls.”
