We Interview Aaron Rodgers’ Doctor

Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers disappointed many when he admitted to never receiving the COVID-19 vaccine. But while many were quick to demonize him, we wanted to hear from the man’s doctor: Who was this guy? We contacted Rodgers and asked him to put us in touch with his personal physician so we could get to the bottom of this.

Sporting a man-bun and wearing an NFL-official game day football jersey instead of a white coat, you wouldn’t expect the pensive, blue-eyed man appearing in front of you to go by “doctor.” In fact, as he modestly lets us know, he doesn’t even call himself that. But what he lacks in age or in a four-year professional degree from an accredited medical school, Rodgers’ doctor more than makes up for in common sense.

Take, for instance, the fertility issue: “It’s a free country. The woke mob can go ahead and poison their bodies with an untested serum that makes you totally allergic to sex if they want,” claimed the doctor, who received his Bachelor of Arts degree in American Studies from the prestigious University of California, Berkeley. “And sure, Big Government is telling me the science I read from that screenshot my good friend Joe Rogan posted to his Instagram is supposedly ‘wrong,’ and that it’s COVID-19 itself that’s actually linked to infertility, but personally? I don’t trust the government scientists farther than I could throw them.”

“Which, by the way,” added the doctor with a wink, “is 75 yards. Perfect spiral.”

“There’s an age-old dilemma in Western medicine. Sure, we could listen to accredited, peer-reviewed scientific studies,” said Rodgers’ doctor, casually stroking his three days’ growth of beard and asking us if we wanted an autograph. “But I told Aaron it was better to listen to his own scientific studies. The ones done in his heart.”

Despite his vast array of medical knowledge, Rodgers’ doctor did cop to some humility, stating that there was still no way he could be better than Kirk Cousins’ personal physician, Jesus Christ.