WNBA Offers Players Salaries Paid In Coins So It Looks Like A Lot More
With the WNBA season slated to tip off on May 8th, a looming work stoppage on the horizon, and no agreement between the league and the players in sight, WNBA commissioner Cathy Engelbert has had to get creative and up the ante in negotiations. Her latest offer: salary payment in 100% coinage so players’ compensation appears as massive as their all-girl all-world talent.
“I call it the ‘clink factor’,” explained Engelbert. “The sound of 100 pounds of nickels hitting a locker room floor provides a ‘psychological richness’ that lets the players know they’re seen. That’s not something a silent direct deposit can match. It’s a feeling reserved only for the elite, so it’s perfect for our players.”
Washington Mystics second-year player Lucy Olsen was intrigued by the offer. “I made $69,267 last season. I can almost afford a studio apartment in Anacostia, so I’m already living large,” said Olsen. “But can you imagine waking up every morning and walking into your bathroom, but you can’t because it’s filled with nickels? Just floor to ceiling, shower to toilet nickels. That’s some Scrooge McDuck shit right there!”
Englebert took great exception when asked if she felt this offer appeared trivial. “No, we’re not nickel-and-diming the players! Absolutely not!” exclaimed the commissioner angrily. “We are proactively nickeling them. Or diming them. Whatever they prefer. We even tried to do pennies, but the White House denied the request.”
Other concessions the league is willing to make include a comprehensive healthcare package consisting of infinite gauze and Band-Aids and private team transportation. “Through our partnership with Hertz, we’ll give every team a car,” said Englebert. “For a small fee, the players can sign it out whenever they’d like to use it. They’ll just have to return it full of gas. And, of course, take the optional insurance.”
“I’m for whatever gets us back on the court,” said WNBA icon Caitlin Clark while taking fan questions live from her 6-bedroom, 8-bathroom vacation estate in the Seychelles. Unfortunately, when asked about player unity in the face of a looming lockout, Clark and her fans were immediately distracted by a pop-up notification confirming a direct deposit of her $5 million salary.
