Woke Nonsense: Fanatics Won’t Sell Me An Aaron Hernandez Jersey

America! The land of the free. The home of the brave. That was, until this past weekend. I ordered, with my hard earned land-of-the-free dollars, an Aaron Hernandez jersey, and yet for some reason, Fanatics woke-ly said no!

When I specified that I would like a #81 Patriots jersey with ‘Hernandez’ on the back, the employee rudely denied my request. This woke communist was was infringing on my constitutional right as an American to purchase whatever jersey I want. Thomas Jefferson said so. But not only did this radical leftist deny me my rights, she had the nerve to interrogate me! She insisted on asking me completely irrelevant questions like “What are you going to use it for?” and “Is this a joke?” and “Do you want me to make a wellness check on you?

Lucky for me, I know my rights. I instead asked for a Bills jersey with the randomly chosen number 32 and the harmless last name ‘Simpson.’ Despite this completely reasonable request, the Fanatics employee refused to comply, and instead hung up. ANTIFA-communist.

The good news is, the ‘The Art Of The Deal’ (audiobook version) taught me a lot about negotiations. After 45 minutes of quoting Benny Johnson, helping Fanatics truly understand Great Replacement Theorem, and a dash of Trumponomics, I managed to wear that MSNBC-loving employee down. I ended up buying 316 Henry Ruggs jerseys, bringing America one step closer to being saved from the woke mob.