23AndMe Traces 67% Of World’s Lineage To Single Source

Scientists at the genetic testing site 23andME made a groundbreaking announcement this week, claiming to have found that a whopping 67% of the world’s population are direct descendants of a single individual, Wilt “The Stilt” Chamberlain. The scientific community claims this brings us one step closer to understanding the entire human genome, DNA makeup, and the exponential increase in NBA competition.

Scientists quickly expanded their search internationally and found matching DNA all around the world, including eskimos in Greenland and multiple remote villages in India. Even uncontacted tribes in the amazon rainforest had members sporting goatees and dunking on makeshift basketball hoops.

Bone strength research has also benefited from this breakthrough. For decades scientists believed that the bones in the lower back couldn’t take the stress of both dunking basketballs and nailing every three females a night. Early studies now conclusively show the lower back and pelvis are more than 54.3% stronger than previously theorized.

Based on the DNA matching results the World Health Organization is urging every couple to test how related they might be before conceiving a child. Inbreeding is now being considered as the instigator for the rise and resurgence of cigarette use, F Boy Island viewership, and James Harden.

Despite the many drawbacks, the average human height, wingspan, facial hair, sperm count, and ejaculate-spray-power have all increased by at least 18%. Directly linking the cause of increase in swish-to-orgasim-completion percentages nationwide and Plan B opening 14 new manufacturing giga-plants in the late last year.

DISCLAIMER: If you or a loved one can palm a basketball and suffer from sex addiction, you qualify for an NBA basketball training scholarship. Congrats!