How You Can Help Us Get Hockey Canceled
Earlier last week our editors tasked us with writing a side article on “professional ice hockey.” We’d thought it disbanded in 1921 but were presented data of “The Stanley Cup” showing it’s still kind of alive. And we don’t want to live in a world where that is allowed to happen.
Listen, some people support ALS. Others focus on saving the polar bears. We at Sports Riot need your help to achieve our goal of canceling The NHL. And here’s how you can do your part.
- Start a baseless rumor that Lord Stanley was a pedophile.
We acknowledge it’s a cheapshot. But “Stanley” does sort of sound like a pedo, right? Also, we heard he was. Or did we? Whatever. You decide.
- Boycott hockey on TV.
Wait, nobody’s watching already? Step 2, check.
- Scratch that: Require that everybody watch hockey on TV by law.
That’s better. This way, after three hours of the Pathers versus the whatever-the-fucks, sensible people will riot in the streets. Shove it down their throats, and they’ll never want to come back again.
- Grassroots it.
Get some young people together and give them clipboards. Go door to door. Knock, knock. Do you have a moment to shit the Canadian pastime?
- Ban alcohol sales at arenas.
Forcing everyone to watch hockey sober? That is cruel — and will guarantee no one shows up.
- Build the REAL border wall.
We don’t want the Canucks ruining our children and taking our JOBS. It’s the NATIONAL Hockey League, not International. Who invited Canada?
- Release Gritty back into the wilds of central Pennsylvania.
But first, lock up your sons and daughters.
We really feel that with your help we can make this dream a reality. It might be a bumpy zamboni ride over rough ice, but we’re committed to shutting the sport down — for the good of America.
Do you believe in miracles? Yes!
