Hear Us Out: The 2021 Olympics But Russia Is Allowed To Compete Under Its Own Name And Putin Gives Me My Wife And Children Back
The world’s trust was shattered when the World Anti-Doping Agency accused Russia of altering thousands of test results and banned the country from using its name or flag in the next Olympics. But in our rush to condemn, have we forgotten the smaller victims caught up in all this? What of the Russian athletes who may not have doped at all? What of the innocent Russian civilians who won’t get to see their country’s colors represented? And what of the sports journalists whose families were mysteriously kidnapped during the trip they took to Europe last fall, and whom satellite imagery suggests are being held somewhere in a 30-mile radius around northern Siberia? As you can see, we desperately need to address the collateral damage caused by this decision. Hopefully within 72 hours. No police.
I am not claiming that I know for a fact that Russia is innocent, of course: I can’t know exactly what happened inside RUSADA’s offices any more than I can know if the toe that was mailed to me last week is actually my son’s. But I do think the media—and if any KGB officers happen to be reading, I include myself in this—has failed to consider that Russia has faced incredible difficulties recently. Imagine the world you know disappearing in an instant: crumbling down like the Berlin Wall; silenced like duct tape over open mouths while I was looking away for just a second to check out the food options along Berlin’s Alexanderplatz; unceremoniously shoved into the back of a sedan like the one that was last seen heading as fast as possible towards the Russian border. Take it from me—this changes people.
Despite what WADA says or I had previously written in that op-ed I desperately wish I had never published, Russia is a wonderful country, home to a great leader who enjoys a range of hobbies such as hockey, horseback riding, and delivering terrified families safely back into the arms of their husband and father at the drop-off point in the Brussels airport next Friday, where he can also definitely expect a USB with a passcode for $500,000 in untraceable Bitcoin waiting for him under the toilet tank in the Pier A men’s restroom.
Such a charming, handsome, and please dear God non-violent world leader certainly deserves a chance to clear his name. And if you ask this reporter, it’s about time we gave it to him.
Mike, Ellie, Joanna—if you’re reading this, I love you almost as much as I now love glorious Mother Russia herself. Please do everything he asks.
