Desperate Fan Cheers On Haircuts At SportClips

After several agonizing months of crowd bans at sports arenas and stadiums across the country, one local fan desperate to attend live events has resorted to cheering on haircuts at the local SportClips.

Witnesses say Trevor Shultz has visited his Rockford, IL SportClips location nearly everyday after work, where he stays from 5:30 p.m. until closing.  “I’ve become a mega-fan of barbering. I know all the calls, cuts, equipment, players, etc.,” Shultz told reporters as he cracked open a Bud Light and settled into the waiting area of the business. “Plus, I score these sweet front-row floor seats every time off of a scalper.”

Shultz, who ignores the games streaming on the many televisions above him, instead focuses his attention on barber chairs. “Those sports might get canceled again, but the need for a nice fade is timeless.”

Using the decorative footlockers in the shop, Shultz has stashed an array of foam fingers, homemade jerseys and signs, and cheesy nachos to aid his experience. “And I got walk-up music for each person,” Shultz said as he blasted “Here Comes The Boom” by POD for his favorite barber, Drea, as she approached a client.

“Looks like she’s trying for the undercut plus dry pompadour,” he shouted excitedly as he threw on his rookie Drea jersey. “Oh, but it’s denied by the client! He goes for a buzz cut instead. That’s ok, easy layup for Drea,” he added before breaking into a chant of “Bangs! Bangs! Bangs! Bangs!” for a different stylist.

Shultz said he would be honored to someday be a hot towel boy or hair sweeper. “My glory days are over. I’m retired now,” he said pointing to his bald head, “but I’d do anything just to stay close to the action. I just wish the sport wasn’t getting so commercial with FanDuel and Fantasy Kings.”