Report: Most Americans Under 30 Don’t Believe the 1980 Miracle on Ice Happened Without Any Gay Sex

Olympic historians are now facing a “cock-ophany” of naysayers. A recent study has revealed the majority of Gen Z believes the Cold War hockey phenomenon “Miracle on Ice” could not have occurred without passionate gay coitus. 

“I’m not stupid, I’ve seen ‘Heated Rivalry.’ Those teams had to be high sticking in more ways than one,” said 22-year-old Josh Morris. “I mean, hell, where would a hockey game without sex even be played? Lake Flaccid? I don’t get it. It’s hockey, and hockey has hot gay dudes. You’re telling me our greatest homo hockey team wasn’t fuckin’ out there? Just doesn’t pass the vibe check.”

Though man-to-man is the more widely understood defensive method, those of the United States’ rising youth with access to HBO Max are adamant one of hockey’s greatest spectacles is better described as “man-on-man.”

“You have a Russian guy named Viacheslav going up against an American whose last name is Eruzione. I’m sorry, is that not clearly Viagra Slave vs. Erogenous Zone?” explained 2025 high school graduate Lizzie Grant. “It writes itself. I’m a college freshman, I wasn’t born yesterday.”

The world is taking notice of the rising conviction, with Russian president Vladimir Putin himself jumping in to set the record hetero. 

“We would never allow gay men to represent this country,” said the former KGB member while shirtlessly barebacking a horse. “Our hockey players are pure studs, grinders. Large, hairy, and aggressive. Bears, all of them.”

While it’s not up for debate that the upset ended with a tally of 4-3, the newest so-called “participation trophy” generation is here to draw the red line: Every player scored.