Mel Kiper Cautions Colleagues It’s Never Too Early To Start Observing Young Men

Want to break through in sports journalism? Veteran ESPN football analyst Mel Kiper Jr. has one piece of advice for you: Start observing young men early — and often. 

Kiper, who specializes in the NFL draft, said you can tell about a young man by focusing on their eyes, chest, hamstrings, and — maybe most of all — glutes, which Kiper calls “the windows to the soul.” “There’s so much you can tell just by looking a teenager up and down,” smiled the bubbly 65-year-old, who’s been married to the same woman since 1989. “I figure if I can size a guy up from the flank or the midsection and really get at him through the back door, I’ll know if he can take a pounding from the big boys.” 

“Mm!” added Kiper. “I’m getting excited just thinking about it!” 

While it may feel like Kiper’s been at ESPN forever, he acknowledges his humble beginnings, when he was mistaken for the son of Johnny Unitas and bused daily to the practice facility showers of the Baltimore Colts. “It was there I learned how to take in young men, fix on how the quarterback got set, where the defense lined up, and where his hands were going.” It was at this facility that Kiper, who never played organized football, found his true calling: analyzing and assessing the perky, taut bodies of young men in peak physical shape. 

Kiper’s excitement has been tempered only by his wife, who wishes he would examine his phrasing about the young men he’s so keen to observe. “I get it, it’s a dream job. Who wouldn’t want to size up the fittest, most capable young men in the United States?” said Sheila Kiper, 62. “Still, it would help if he didn’t mutter, ‘Give it to me. Give it to me Jaxson,’ every time he flipped on the TV.”