Orioles Test Kevlar For City Connect Jerseys

An MLB City Connect jersey is the very expression of a city’s heart and soul. So, if you’re Baltimore and your DNA is unprecedented gun violence mixed with a top-5 murder rate, that expression is “hit the deck.” With that in mind, the design team behind the Orioles’ outfits debuted a stunning ensemble complete with functional, Level III-A ballistic Kevlar. And as early stress-tests during a Tuesday night at Camden Yards confirmed, the jerseys are as functional as they are authentically Charm City!

 “This was ‘Souvenir Gun Night’, so it felt like the perfect time to battle-test these babies,” said Orioles General Manager Mike Elias. “Every night, a few players get popped from the stands, but gun night brings out every would-be sniper in Central Maryland. The bullets were really whizzing out there, and not a single one of our guys reported any wounds. Just wish that ball boy was wearing the jersey. Rest in peace, kid.”

 “I was skeptical, but I got hit by both a bullet and a 97-mph heater and I felt great,” declared All-Star-decorated veteran shortstop Gunnar Henderson. “My only complaint was it took me 13 seconds to army-crawl to first base. But I’ll trade that for not getting shot. I don’t even have to change to go home. I can keep the jersey on and stay alive in the parking lot, too!”

 Count Baltimore mayor Brandon Scott as one of the Kevlar jersey’s biggest fans. 

“I know the White Sox tried something similar and still ended up with half the team mowed down on Valentine’s Day or something. But here, since the jersey release, crime’s been down 5%,” the mayor beamed. But his face suddenly turned somber as he stared over at the middle infield. “What if Cal [Ripken] hadn’t caught a round in the chest during that 2,632nd game? Who knows how many in a row he would’ve played if he had a Kevlar jersey.”