Hard-Fought Fencing Match Finally Ends In Murder

Capping off an evenly-matched contest that saw the two sabres trade touches for nearly nine action-packed minutes, Notre Dame freshman Alicia Copeland was finally stabbed to death by her opponent, Emilia Weaver of Michigan State University on Monday.

“She had excellent form for her age,” Weaver told reporters of the lightning-quick 19-year-old, as custodians struggled to contain the growing pool of blood forming around the young woman. “With a couple more years under her belt, she could have been very special.”

Weaver, the No.1 ranked women’s fencer in the NCAA, has over 281 confirmed kills since she first picked up her blade for the Spartans in 2016. Scouts in attendance marveled at her patience before dealing the striking blow to Copeland’s heart.

“Watching her dance around Copeland, poking and slicing at her throat, was just absolutely splendid,” Herschel Jays, a U.S. Olympic scout said.

Weaver is expected to deliver the eulogy at Copeland’s funeral next Tuesday. In a Facebook announcement, the parents of the deceased said they are honored to have such an accomplished athlete pay her respect to their daughter.

“I can think of no better way to celebrate Alicia’s life than by having her killer eulogize her,” wrote the fallen fencer’s father.

Sources close to Weaver now report that the All-American swordswoman has turned down a spot on the U.S. Olympic fencing team in favor of a more lucrative offer from the Yakuza crime syndicate.